For the past couple of days I’ve been thinking about biphobia, and the discrimination I’ve met in my life. I actually had never really been introduced to the concept of biphobia until I started volunteering at a women’s centre, and we had a discussion on gender performance. That was the first time I really analyzed my own gender performance, and realized why I’ve encountered a lot of biphobia over the years.
One of the difficult things about being bisexual is that we are criticized by people identifying as queer/gay/lesbian as well as those identifying as straight. The first time I remember someone making a biphobic statement is when my mother and I were discussing bisexuals, and she mentioned that “Well, how could they ever have a normal, faithful relationship?” I had no idea to respond, since I was pretty young at the time, but I wish I had.
Since then, I’ve come out to most people and have always been open about my sexuality. I personally don’t like to make a big deal out of it, and find myself saying things like “Yeah that girl is so hot” or telling a story about an ex-girlfriend. That’s usually when I get the confused looks and have to say, “Oh, uh, yeah, I’m bi. So anyway.”
I’ve been surprised by the amount of people who don’t understand bisexuality. In high school I took the bus with one guy who just could not wrap his head around it. “So if you’re dating a girl right now, you’re a lesbian.” “No, because I’m also attracted to guys.” “But you only like one girl right now!” And so on, and so on. I’ve been insulted by well-meaning queer friends who tell me they’re jealous of my bisexual privileges. Oh, right, privileges. Like being ostracized from the LGT community, having people demand if I’ve ever been in a relationship with a woman, because otherwise how could I really know (which always begs the question: have YOU been in a relationship? Then how do you know you’re straight?), which gender I prefer, have I ever been fully straight or lesbian, etc.
Often when men tell me they’re fine with bisexuals it’s usually followed by “because girl-on-girl action is sexy.” I’m sorry, but I don’t find your sexual fantasies involving me flattering or supportive in the slightest. Bisexuals are not grateful that you only support our rights because that way you can watch us make out. I also really, really, really don’t appreciate being told “But you can’t be bi!” or “Looking at you I would have never guessed it.” I don’t know what the length/color of my hair, the color of my eyes, or the clothes I wear have to do with my sexual orientation, but okay, great.
We live in a society of dichotomies. You’re either liberal or conservative, left- or right-wing, smart or stupid, fat or skinny, white or black. If you can’t be fit into one side of the either/or opposition, then you’re whishy-washy, on the fence, and not brave enough to pick sides. This reminds me of Nietzsche, who recommends the “desire for certainty” in his book The Gay Science. He never once suggests a “demand for certainty.” Why? Because to desire truth is to constantly search for it, want it, seek it, but never to demand the ultimate truth. Because there is no ultimate truth. “Liberal” and “conservative” are just tidy political boxes we created so that we can lump everyone together. But can opinions on issues such as the death penalty, abortion, gay rights, and gun laws all be lumped together into only two camps? And while I excel at languages and humanities, my math and science skills are pretty dismal. That being said, this year I struggled with my Japanese course, and did surprisingly well in my science course. So am I smart or stupid?
The same holds true for sexuality. We cannot demand a certainty that one is either gay or straight. It might be comforting to do so. For some reason, we consider one’s sexual orientation one of the most important aspects of their personality, often more so than their personal tastes, abilities, histories, etc. How many times have I heard someone refer to their friend as “Oh, you know my gay friend, Bob?” When you are gay, you are Gay. That is all too often how people perceive you, judge you, make sense of you, and determine how they should interact with you. We obsess over discovering if someone is gay or not because we need to know how to categorize them.
The problem with this is that, to my knowledge, I have never been categorized as bisexual by mere appearances. I’ve attended plenty of queer parties, meetings, and volunteer sessions, and everyone assumes I’m a straight ally. When I tell them I’m bisexual, I see the uncertainty in their eyes. “She looks like one of those girls who just makes out with chicks when she’s drunk for attention. But then why would she be here tonight? Maybe to show she’s open and cool about it.”
I am not on the fence. I am not wishy-washy. I am not greedy. I feel an attraction for people regardless of gender. This goes above and beyond our illusionary opposition of “male-female.” What someone has between their legs isn’t the determining factor for me when it comes to love and relationships. That’s really all it is. Pretty harmless, right? But people will demand I pick sides, and accuse me of being greedy and being able to hide my true self and to live a privileged heterosexual lifestyle. What’s ironic is that I’ve never been the one hiding my true self. Instead, when people make assumptions regarding my sexual orientation, and place me in a box for their own comfort, they strip me of my identity and render me invisible.
As for me, I will continue to bravely live in the gray area, challenging ideas of sexuality and the demand for certainty. And through this I gain my voice and visibility once again.
THIS.
No words. There are no words.
Bless this post. :’)
